When I was in 5th grade, I use to look at the 8th graders and think "I wish I was in 8th grade, I'd be so grown up". Then I went onto becoming a 6th grader, and my idea of being a grown up became the idea of being a 9th grader. And when I finally did, I became a 9th grader.. I went into an emotional paradox. I was confused, I mean, I wasn't mature, I didn't feel like a grown up and I was still far from growing up. I was barely 15, and my parents still gave me no say in most things. And so, I took the highway and thought, when I am a 10th grader - I will be all those things I thought I would be.
In the summer between 9th and 10th grade, I spoke on the phone with one of my best friends for 2 hours at 2AM in the morning - I remember her asking me, her being a year younger than me, "How do you feel? You're a big girl now!! Personal project and 10th grade!! This is it. Final step before IB" - and I remember using this as proof that it would be MY year, THE year I would finally feel it, I would feel how it is to be old and grown up. I spoke to her about how excited I was, and how many big choices I had to make that year. The truth was, I could already see myself going into the med and field and by the end of 10th grade, I wasn't any bigger of a person. I wasn't any bigger than my body.
So I used the previous summer and I thought about the person I was in 6th grade, the person I was in 8th grade, the person I was in 9th grade and person I was then - the 10th grader heading into her 11th grade year. I had changed. Yes, I'd started to see it. The hard evidence that maybe what I always dreamed of had come true, and I just hadn't seen it! But then I looked down at myself and thought "Well heck, this wasn't what I thought it'd feel like when I was in 6th grade" and so I waited.
Here I am now, an IB student, and all I can think is I still don't feel it. I have no definition for maturity, I still can't tell you if my friends will be my friends for life, and I'll never have an answer on what love is. If you watch my reactions you'll see I'm still not in control of my feelings and immediate thoughts.
In the summer between 9th and 10th grade, I spoke on the phone with one of my best friends for 2 hours at 2AM in the morning - I remember her asking me, her being a year younger than me, "How do you feel? You're a big girl now!! Personal project and 10th grade!! This is it. Final step before IB" - and I remember using this as proof that it would be MY year, THE year I would finally feel it, I would feel how it is to be old and grown up. I spoke to her about how excited I was, and how many big choices I had to make that year. The truth was, I could already see myself going into the med and field and by the end of 10th grade, I wasn't any bigger of a person. I wasn't any bigger than my body.
So I used the previous summer and I thought about the person I was in 6th grade, the person I was in 8th grade, the person I was in 9th grade and person I was then - the 10th grader heading into her 11th grade year. I had changed. Yes, I'd started to see it. The hard evidence that maybe what I always dreamed of had come true, and I just hadn't seen it! But then I looked down at myself and thought "Well heck, this wasn't what I thought it'd feel like when I was in 6th grade" and so I waited.
Here I am now, an IB student, and all I can think is I still don't feel it. I have no definition for maturity, I still can't tell you if my friends will be my friends for life, and I'll never have an answer on what love is. If you watch my reactions you'll see I'm still not in control of my feelings and immediate thoughts.
So tell me, does this point ever come in life? Are we ever really content? Does an age ever make you content?
I have come to the belief now after years of anticipation that maybe - just maybe - we focus too much on what might happen than what's happening. Too much on the future than the present. I know that personally, I face the problem and I'm only coming to terms with it now - as I'm sure many feel as well.
- Comment with opinions on the matter and if you feel the same way! :)
The future has always played a huge role in our lives. Every second you'd be thinking about your future and expectations, however when that future comes, other things will replace those thoughts into newer ones approaching the next future. It's all a cycle, In the Quran, God told us to feel thankful to what we have and to never worry about what might happen next. However us humans are too self obsessed with ourselves...
ReplyDeleteInteresting that you describe it as self-obsessed, I think. I would probably label it anxiety, fear, maybe even in some cases, excitement. Thank you for your contributions!
DeleteLive for today Raz
ReplyDeleteHello, I apologize for the late reply, it's been a hectic week. I do try. Naturally, I'm the type of person to think ahead quite often, but it's been a continual effort to try and live for the day, let today make my tomorrow a little better.
ReplyDelete